Changed by Hedwig

Tonight marks the most profound experience in a theater that I've had thus far. Hedwig and the Angry Inch is a musical about a transgender German woman performing a show with her band of foreigners. Throughout the show, she tells her story. Her story is one of desire, lust, desperation, love, anger and disappointment. The cast is onstage the entire show, and songs are paired with stories of her life leading up to that moment. This show starts with witty jokes and dirty punchlines, but soon tethers in loss and tragedy then hope and excitement then anger and desperation. The show itself is a roller-coaster and would have me crying at the end regardless, but something felt very particularly for me,
Hedwig reached me all the way up in the mezzanine and pulled me fiercely into her world.

There is a moment in the show when Hedwig's imagination gets the best of her and paints a vivid picture of closure. When she is ejected from the moment after an extremely powerful song, there is a silence. The piercingly electric vocals are met with no applause, but something much more important: silence. 2,703 people joined in a deeply honest moment where we are there with her. We are one with Hedwig's desperation and anguish. We find ourselves empathizing with a character who we seemingly have nothing in common with. This was, for me, the most astounding moment of the show.

As an audience, we search for something within these characters to cling to so that we may be immersed in their stories.  People we walk into the theater feeling subconsciously apathetic or even reserved about are humanized for us by way of the theatre. Rifts are formed when one party does not understand the other. When we are forced to sit back and listen, in a dark theater where we cannot escape the other party's point of view, and seeing it from an omniscient perspective, it is inevitable, if we really listen, to not leave with a new found respect, sympathy or understanding for the character's circumstance. I believe this rings true with travel as well, not touring, but traveling and experiencing another culture. When you cannot escape the world of someone or something you do not initially understand, unable to speak your instinctual reservations, you are forced to listen and observe and eventually gain understanding.This is why the most influential moments of my life have been experienced in the theater and in foreign countries. These moments have all been moments of new found empathy and connectedness.

Tonight solidified my desire to perform in theatre. When Hedwig's moment silenced all of those voices and stopped our breathing, I was sold. If I can do that, force someone to stop and think and CARE about someone they never thought they could understand, I need to do it. Empathy is one of the most important things in the world, and if I can create that, I need to do it, I feel a fierce hunger to educate by way of art, and that is exactly what acting is. I want to tell stories.

Actual Learning..

As  high school students, we come across the statement, "When will we ever even use this in real life?" at least a few times a year. I am, sometimes, part of the crowd who experiences this sentiment yet never expresses it aloud (Its called having a filter, kids!). With this new school year brings new possibilities, and I would hate to jinx anything, but I believe this is a year of real learning for me!

Not that I knew how to solve algebraic equations and conjugate a verb in French before I was taught how to do so, but this year feels different. I am enrolled in an AP economics course and an AP government course which I think may be some of the first classes which are challenging my most basic instincts and making me deeply ponder my basic views on politics and economics.

I have grown up with certain views and political stances which, in the past year, have been shaken quite a bit. But never before have I felt such a loss of words when it comes to why I am right and others are wrong. It has grown to be one of my favorite feelings when I state my opinion in class, and by the end of the class, that opinion has been altered and is something modified yet rooted in my original standpoint.
Some would read that and feel that I am bending too easily and changing merely because someone disagrees with me. That assessment is false, it is healthy to question your own opinions and, when faced with new knowledge, adjust those views accordingly. That is something I am learning this year. That there are other ways, besides the ones deeply rooted in the beliefs I thought I identified with, to achieve the goals I think to be important.

I am searching for food, and I reach a fork in the road and one path leads to some raspberries and another to blueberries. Lets say I prefer blueberries to raspberries, and I know that there lies a few blueberries at the end of a path that has been distinguished for decades, the other path, also having been distinguished for decades is not an option as it leads only to raspberries. Someone shows me another path to a huge selection of both raspberries AND blueberries. To continue on the path which grants me only a few blueberries would be foolish when this new path leads to a much larger quantity of blueberries. Just because there happen to be raspberries there as well, does not mean I should pass up on the opportunity to have more blueberries. It is only reasonable to abandon my old path and seek greater success. Its not to say that I was wrong before, but it is important to acknowledge when someone finds a more refined and prosperous way than you.

SO, what I am finally actually learning this year is to learn from others, even if they have opposite views from you, for the opposite of crazy is also crazy. And so compromise and balance are the only ways to reason.

A Peculiar Girl

Welcome to the life of a very peculiar girl. I am a girl who enjoys and dislikes many things. I have an opinion on virtually everything you could think of, so I write those opinions down... that is, basically,  what this is.

First off, let me attempt to explain myself: I am an eighteen year old girl who is a million things simultaneously. I am brave, passionate, empathetic, bossy, confident, self-conscious, shy, impatient, apathetic, and cowardly. I am a living jumble of contradictions with severe anxiety (YAY ME!)

I have gotten past the stage of staying quiet about my struggles and this is the place where I will describe those challenges as well as declare my victories. I am one of those believers in the Demi Lovato mantra, "What's wrong with being confident?" ("ah aha ah"), therefore, these posts may seem particularly boastful at times and I expect my readers to support the seldom moments of confidence I have in myself  as well as strive to adopt these sentiments of self-assurance as their own!

I also, at times, may come across as sad, disheartened, and even angry in these posts. Not to worry- this is simply due to my simultaneously female AND teenaged brain. (sarcasm) Truly, these more melancholy moments are of normal circumstance for me as I am diagnosed with mild depression as well as severe anxiety. I think it is important that I address my circumstance to my readers in order to make the motivations and emotions behind each post I make clearer to my audience.

I am very excited to be publicly blogging again and I hope you all enjoy your time spent reading my digitalized thoughts!

Buckle-up, because my life is a wild ride!